Research has shown that washers and dryers are easily intimidated. In fact, 9.5 out of 10 dryers show immediate, positive behavioral results after being verbally insulted. After years of intensive tests and studies, we discovered that when a dryer is belittled, a chemical reaction sends a fluctuation of energy waves through the motor, causing it to function more favorably. Shortly after this discovery was made, a special scientific team was designed to find which key phrases most commonly provoked the return of missing socks and less dominant behavior. These sayings quickly became known as "Smack Talk."
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Your mama was a cement mixer.
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Your daddy was a washboard.
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I brought you into this house, and I can take you back out!
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I don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to pronounce.
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The washing machine dries faster than you do.
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You have a promising future as scrap metal.
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Your frontload door makes you look fat.
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Are you deaf? I said 'wrinkle free' not 'wrinkle spree!'
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I'd like to kick you senseless, but it looks like someone already has.
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You're so slow that when I put you on 'quick cycle,' you short circuit.
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Your lint trap smells like cat urine.
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You leave my clothes so wrinkly that I thought my grandma fell in.
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You're so loud that the police got a call about a neighborhood disturbance.
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Are you drying bowling balls or do you need a new drive belt?
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If I wanted it to take 5 hours to dry my jeans, I would have used my hair dryer.
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The next load is dirty diapers!
Start off with a quick pep talk. Looking into a mirror and practicing intimidating facial expressions is a good exercise to find which ways you can come off most seriously. After all, you mean business. You are tired of spending money on new socks, and you won't have any more of it. Don't let yourself back down now; you don't want to give your dryer that satisfaction.
We also recommend wearing an intimidating pair of socks during the verbal assault. The display of burly -- and perfectly matched socks -- will not only be unappetizing to your machine, but will send shock signals through its hard wiring, encouraging fearful obedience. Studies show that large, odorous, wool socks are ideal. Next, roll your shoulders back, lift your chest, and hold your head high. Walk briskly to the dryer and get in a threatening stance. Using your facial muscles, furrow your eyebrows together to create an intense look.
Upon approach, stand your ground and be confident. Never give the dryer any reason to believe that you might feel silly for what you're about to do. To be intimidating you must walk the walk, and talk the talk. Don't make any false threats from this point forward - the dryer may eat another sock in order to test you, and then soon realize that you won't deliver. This is exactly what the dryer wants.
Maintaining eye-to-dial contact, follow steps 1-6 found in your Sacrificial Sock™ Instruction Manual. As suggested in step 6, casually toss in the Sacrificial Sock while saying your favorite Smack Talk phrase. Remember, tone of voice and attitude is the key. Repeat the Smack Talk phrase, or use one or two more, until you feel confident that you have gotten through to the psyche of your dryer. Continue following instructions 7-8 in your manual.