Instructions Lady
Don't be a Helpless Victim

You no longer have to be one of the millions of Americans who live with this daily inconvenience. It is time to act. Follow these instructions having a positive attitude, open mind, no real expectations of results and you will separate yourself from the millions who sit by and do nothing while the dryer -- the never satisfied dryer -- continues to feast on your precious socks.

How to Use Your Sacrificial Sock
Step 1

Remove the Sacrificial Sock from its box.

Step 2

(Optional) Throw the Sacrificial Sock on the floor and stomp on it repeatedly. When the Sacrificial Sock no longer looks new or clean, move on to...

Step 3

(Optional but recommended if you choose not to follow Step 2) Using the Sacrificial Sock, dust the tops of your washer and dryer. Any shelves in the immediate area should also be dusted. This step is designed to insure that the Sacrificial Sock enters the wash cycle well soiled and does not draw extra attention (this step also helps keep the laundry area clean).

Step 4

(Optional but recommended -- However, if you choose to follow both Step 2 and Step 3, you may not want to touch the Sacrificial Sock at this point) Now, turn the Sacrificial Sock inside out. Most of the socks in each load will be inside-out. This step further assures that no extra attention will be drawn to the Sacrificial Sock.

Step 5

(Step 5 was silly and completely useless, therefore it was omitted)

Step 6

It's time to talk some Smack. Casually toss the Sacrificial Sock while saying your favorite Smack Talk phrase. Tone of voice and attitude are important. This step sounds easy, but you may need to repeat it several times before you achieve the desired results. Click here for some suggested Smack Talk phrases.

Step 7

When the washing cycle is complete, remove the entire load and place it on the dryer. DO NOT attempt to locate the Sacrificial Sock at this point. If you do happen to notice it, remember that our research indicates that it's the dryer that eats most of them. Begin the dryer cycle.

Step 8

When drying cycle is complete, remove clothes from dryer and match your socks into pairs. At this point there are 4 possible scenarios:

  • Scenario A:

    All your matching pairs and the Sacrificial Sock are present. This often happens.

  • Scenario B:

    All your matching pairs are present and the Sacrificial Sock is missing. This is wonderful! Get yourself another Sacrificial Sock.

  • Scenario C:

    The Sacrificial Sock and one or more of your socks are missing. If this happens, you should consider buying a new dryer (and not sue us).

  • Scenario D:

    One or more of your socks is missing and the Sacrificial Sock is still present (this means that you lost one of your real socks). If this happens, something has obviously gone terribly wrong. We recommend that you carefully review All steps (especially Step 6) and try again the next time you wash.